in the dead of night

all the lingering light has been destroyed by the rapid falling night.

even the moon has lost some of it's radiance.

 

 it's 2:14 am,

and the dark is claustrophobic,

the silence is tangible,

the stillness is paralyzing.

 my eyelids are as light as a feather

my thoughts are racing and i'm too slow to catch them.

all i know is that they're all about you.

  i caught a quick glimpse of your unforgettable smile

i saw a flash of your hair

i heard your laugh. 

i wish my brain would just work

so i could see you.

 i finally catch one.

but sad memories move slower than the happy ones.

the memory: the day we said good bye.

the day your dad told me you were gone, because your mom was a mess.

 the day i forgot how to breathe

the day i set fire to my heart because it was less painful that way.

 

 i'm done chasing.

i'm too slow for the good memories.

 

 it's 3:27 am,

 and the dark is claustrophobic,

the silence is tangible,

the stillness is paralyzing.

 my eyelids are as light as a feather

my thoughts are racing and i'm too slow to catch them.

all i know is that they're all about you.

what home should be

a slight hint of caution cinnamon has always gently caressed the air

the temperature has always been more fit for a penguin,

the rooms are always never empty. not even one.

a scatter gathering point for the wounded and their loved ones.

a place of entrance refuge from the corrosive weather outside it's walls

a place for hate healing, and judgement discovery.

 this place is home.

it may not be ideal,
but this home is where my heart is. 
where i had my luau themed 7th birthday party
where i took my first steps,
where i had my first kiss,
where i cried after my first break up.

all my memories are here.
etched in the walls so deep, no amount of concrete could ever fill up the holes.

manual de instrucciones

hello my name is E.L.L.A 

your personal Eye Laser Linking Appliance.

i am here to make sure you feel good about yourself.

i am controlled by eye and facial movements.

you can choose what i wear by simply looking at me with the facial expression of how you feel about me

my updated software will pick up on what ever emotion signal you are sending.

you can be as rude as you want, as long as it makes you feel better about yourself.

after all i am just a girl robot, and girls robots are numb to feelings.

pick me apart, 

glare at me,

look me up and down,

give me the ultimate stink eye.

it doesn't matter, i have no feelings anyways.

ten reasons why i hate this class

1. this class pulls my bad memories out of the dark corners i've shoved them into.

2. i can't be the quiet girl in the back, i have to be the real me.

3. i have to start reading more.

4. every blog is higher than the next, and i feel like mine is at the bottom of the totem pole.

5. i have to spend days writing and deleting just to get a half decent post.

6. i think so much that my brain is fried for my other homework.

7. i can no longer listen to a song with out finding something i want to add that to my quote page.

8. i spent way too much money on supplies to make my journal look cool.

9. my heart beats faster than a space launch when nelson starts asking people to share. (don't get any ideas nelson)

10. it's pushing me outside of my comfort zone. big time.



i may hate this class but that doesn't mean it won't be good for me.

the color code test ruined my life

i'm a blue

forever labeled as one color, 

a color that people associate with their worst memories,

the color of tears,

the color of the unknown.

when people feel their lowest, it is described as "feeling blue."

i am blue

i hurt people by simply existing.

could i be red or yellow?

i dreamed to be different,

yet it felt funny.

i was meant to be a blue.

i didn't have to be the gloomy shade of blue, 

i could be any shade of blue i wanted to be.

i could be the color of a limitless sky,

the color of a soul piercing eyes,

the color of summer ocean waves in hawaii.

 i don't have to be your reminder of the day your mom died.

i can be blue and be happy,

rain rehab

i can hear it on the roof,

my heart skips a beat when it gets louder and faster,

i run for a blanket, i have to see this.

the thunder cracks as i walk out the door.

i lift my head and take in a sight more beautiful than the third wonder of the world.

it's the only thing that gets me excited anymore.

a burst of lightening makes me smile. 

rain is like little drops of morphine, to numb the pain in my life

the cool splash of a single rain drop is enough to heal my charred heart.

the excess raindrops begin to repair the scars that are left.

my tears disappear into the soothing beads that land on my face,

it seems like the answers to all my problems are hidden in the falling droplets.

the smell of thunder covers my broken mind like a band aid.

the dark clouds hide the blinding light of reality,

and for a moment i am there, but i'm not.

for a moment i'm escaped, for a moment i'm content.

a letter to my long lost crayons

Dear, old friend

i broke you. 

i ripped you apart

i used you up.

i lost you.

i threw you away.

i stopped wanting you.

i left you in that cardboard box in the basement. 

but i still love you.

i need you to put the color in my life

i need you to help me see things differently
i need you to help me love school again.

i need you to be my friend

i need you to be my trusted secret keeper. 

please forgive me.

broken reflections

seven mirrors hang on a wall.

anchored to each other.

one shatters under the pressure of perfection,

one gets smashed by the little green monster.

two broken mirrors on the floor,

both refuse repair.

five mirrors remain.

what do they do? they need the others

this wasn't supposed to happen. 

they cling to the ones who are left,

trying to keep themselves together.
they hang for days,

they hang for weeks, 

they hang for months,

 they grow weak.

their strength has run out,

 heartache has won.

slowly loosing their grip,they fall,

but they were broken long before they hit the floor

seven broken mirrors on the floor.

all refuse repair.

they lied, time heals nothing

two months.

 8 weeks.
60 days.

1,440 hours.

86,400 minutes.

5,184,000 seconds.

two months might not seem that long to you,

but it feels like an eternity to me.

it's been two months.

since i've hugged you,
since we've talked, 

since i've seen your face,

since i've even heard your name.

i think everyone has forgotten about you.

BUT I HAVEN'T

i think about you every day.

you still owe me that diet coke.

every book I see makes me think of you.

i have a hole in my heart that nothing else can fill.

i leave my phone on at night just in case you call like you used to. 

i get so excited when it rings praying this time it might be you,

but each time it rings i lose a little more hope.

you're still my sister,

so i'll be here waiting,

to see you again,
to hug you,
to hear your voice,


when your ready to come back.

beneath the brim

the only thing hats are good for is hiding.

you wear them on a bad hair day,

you wear them to shade your face when your make-up is running low

you wear them when your brother accidentally gives you a black eye.

I'M DONE WITH HATS

i want people to remember that we all have bad hair days,

i want them to realize that every girl has these moments,

i want them to laugh with me at how stupid my brother is.

too bad a world without hats doesn't exist.

i guess we'll be hiding forever.