sometimes words are more powerful than modern medicine

she was born in oklahoma to a teen mom,

but ink marks on a paper gave her a new family. 

 now she would have ten siblings,

 three brothers and seven sisters.

 

her dad tried hard, but no amount of work, could pay for it all.

they grew up poor, and there was never really enough of anything.

they moved, and moved, and moved some more.

 and eight schools later, she was free.

she ran away with (who she thought) was the love of her life,

but ten years later, the marriage failed it's last exam.

the papers were signed, and things were permanent.

she got a good job and proudly raised her kids,

and remarried her actual dream man.

 

the perfect life, with the perfect kids.

her son was graduated and excelling in college

her daughter had lots of friends, and together they got their weekly manicure.

at the age of forty her back just stopped working.

two unsuccessful surgeries, and thousands of pain pills later,

she was practically bed ridden.

if she continued living the way that she did: unbearable pain

if she got another surgery: unbearable pain.

three months before her daughters graduation,

the pain was over whelming, but she got up anyways.

she winced in pain as her slippers hit the stairs.

she turned on some music to drown out her thoughts.

the silence made her back hurt worse.

music played throughout the kitchen,  

but she didn't hear one note.

she grabbed her pill bottle, like she always did.

but this time it was different, she looked at it for a long time.

she slowly opened the cap an emptied the whole bottle into her hand.

she reached for a cup and her elbow paused the music.

when her brain focused on music, it couldn't focus on the pain.

 she listened to every word, because they would be the last thing she heard.

the song of choice was "out on my own" by gabrielle aplin

because of this song, she gave life one more chance.

 

 

 

i need a blood transfusion.

 my blood has an anger concentration of .04,

 it's genetic condition that fuels a never ending argument between my heart and my brain.

my heart tells me that hurt is okay.

my heart tells me that bodies heal so well sometimes, you can't even tell there was a mark. 

my heart tells me that scars should be flaunted, to show how strong you are.

but my brain and heart have never agreed.

my brain has scientific evidence that disproves everything that my heart is telling me is right.

my brain tells me that rule number one for survival, is to avoid pain at all costs.

my brain tells me that just because bodies can heal, doesn't mean they always do.

my brain tells me that scars need to be hidden to retain a "good image".

in the fifth grade they taught us how to calculate probability, but my heart taught me to believe in chance.

  in seventh grade, teachers stole the megaphone from my heart and gave it to my brain.

my brain helped me survive (with minimal scrapes) until now.

   there are 197 days until graduation and i need to hear my heart more than ever.

 but my brain keeps turning up the volume.

 i play bloody knuckles every morning in an attempt to win it back.

but my blood has an anger concentration of .04,

 it's genetic condition that fuels a never ending argument between my heart and my brain.

dear me,

what happened?

when did you start caring so much about the letters printed on the tag of your jeans?
when did you start hating the way you have always looked?
when did you get so insecure you prayed to be more invisible than the smell of co2?
when did you start to care how your had writing looked to the guy cheating off you in math class?
when did you start to spend too much money to make you look like something you'll never be?

what happened?

why do you pay so much attention to the way (you think) the girl is looking at you in the hallway?
why do you care so much about the opinion of the person you'll never talk to or see again?
why do you care what the cashier at walmart thinks about what you're buying?
why do you care so much?

what happened?

i don't know if i know you any more.

you just have to remind yourself, that this is just high school.

none of it matters.

so sleep in a little longer, because the people that matter most, love you the way that you are.

save up for college, because none of that hair care product works anyways, and those jeans don't last

pray to be seen, because you have a lot more to offer the world than you think.

pick your head up, and smile at everyone you pass in the hallway.

don't be afraid to be you.

go back to who you used to be,

i liked you better that way.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

he was my universe.

something about him reeled me in.

i would ache to be around him for just a moment. 

when he spoke, his words were a black hole sucking you in, never letting go. 

you don't want to go.

his eyes were more majestic than orions sparkling belt. 

his smile made everything in your life suddenly seem okay. 

i couldn't help but get sucked in.

his personality was gravity that held me in place when things went bad, an got worse. 

he was my gravity even when things were going fine.

  

he was everyone's gravity, but no one was his. 

two months later, a bent spoon and an over used needle shattered my perfect universe. 

it's been one year and eighty seven days,

and i'm still floating, breathless, around in the stars.

hoping that one day i'll get sucked back in,

to something,

to anything.

mainstream teenage nature 101

always have a friend to walk to each class with. never walk alone.

talk to lots of people, but don't get too close. (heaven forbid you make a new friend)

when you walk down an empty hallway always have your phone on hand. 

only smile at people that you know will smile back. (who wants to be seen smiling for "no reason")

make sure everyone knows that your life is worse than theirs. (even when they don't want to know)

don't do anything that could get you labeled, because labels last forever.

always cram the night before for tests. (or at least say you do)

pretend you're not religious. (because that's too normal.)

 one up everyone about how little sleep you have gotten. (when you really went to bed at 9:42)

complain about your parents. (even if you actually like them)

let them know how much your siblings suck. (even if they're your best friend)

make sure everyone hears about the hot guy you kissed at the party. (even if he's not real)

use the excuse "my printer is out of ink" at least once.

say your curfew is non existent. (when it really is 11:01)

pretend you don't care about your grades. (even though you study till your brain is fried crispy)

tell your parents it's the teachers fault that you didn't do your homework.

don't let anyone know who you are.

they will chew you up, 

and spit you out.

stay safe friends.

lies

my fears lie in the darkest parts of the ocean,

my fears lie within the pages of a four hour test booklet,

my fears lie within the dirt and stench of the man standing on the street corner with a cardboard sign,

my fears lie within the first color of the rainbow,

my fears lie in a hive full of honey.

they lie in the suspicious man following me down the street,

they lie in the sound of fireworks,

my fears lie in the high expectations you set 

my fears lie in the disease possibilities woven in my dna,

they lie in the wrinkles of my pale pink brain.

my fears lie in gpa tab of skyward

my fears lie in an empty picture frame.

 my fears lie in a cap and gown.

my fears lie. 

and i don't like liars.

medication

 we are all slowly dying. 
 breathing through rotten lungs
and loosing our sight. 
most of the time i'm dead inside.

but i found a cure,

nothing but the windows down

the smell of changing leaves, 
winding roads, and loud music.